Warriors

Was it enough?
When I think back over the years about my kids, I wonder if what I did was enough. I’m not referring to whether I loved them enough because there’s no doubt they know they are loved beyond measure.
When I think back to the very beginning, I discovered a new love for the first time that was sacred, transcendent, undefinable. From the moment I felt them in my womb it was indescribable and when they were born and placed in my arms as I held their small bodies against mine, the sensation was paralyzing. I was submerged in a feeling I had never experienced. I was in a love that was spiritual and heavenly and pure! I suddenly had fallen into my new role as a mother, a guardian, a woman who for the first time became someone that was not going to allow predators of any kind to come near. A mother who was going to do anything that I needed to do to protect and shield these babies from anything and everything that wasn’t good. Suddenly, I was a warrior with a sword and shield of armor that I wrapped them up in. I would be damned if I was gonna let anything happen to them! I knew I would kill and die for them and there would be no stopping me! To the death!!
In the blink of an eye, these babies that had just nuzzled at my breast with their little hands wrapped around my finger, who needed me and couldn’t survive without me, who cried out to me and crawled into bed to be near me because they loved to cuddle, because they knew they were safest in my bed because I was the defeater of all monsters and scary things, their warrior! In the blink of an eye, they’re suddenly 16 and 19, young men in these young men bodies with facial hair and manly features, driving cars and going out and in college, working, interested in girls and hanging out with their friends or in their rooms because privacy is so important and they need their “alone” time and don’t want to be bothered.
Now when I catch a glimpse of them, in their element, I ask myself was it enough? Did I teach them enough? Did I remind them enough that though it is so important to be kind and compassionate, that it’s okay to stand up and be firm in their convictions. Did I do enough to let them know that sometimes the world is harsh and people are cruel and life is challenging and that no matter what, if they just keep going and as long as they never give up, win or lose, that they’ll be alright, they’ll survive. Were the lessons powerful enough to resonate with them? Did I do enough?
When I sneak into their rooms at night and say a small prayer and touch their cheek or brush their hair away from their forehead just to feel their warmth, I get lost in thought as I stare at them. I can’t help but wonder if they still need my “armor” or have I given them the strength and know how to defend themselves against the “monsters” under their bed and that’s why they no longer come to mine? Are these young men, my babies, going to know how to do what’s necessary in circumstances that are out of my control?
Were the lessons that I tried to teach them about work ethic and time management and relationships and finances enough? Did the dire importance of self love and respect sink in? Is the faith that I tried to instill in them powerful enough for them to know that they are worthy of nothing less than the might of the universe? Do they know that they deserve to be here, living this human experience and knowing they are true spirits with souls that are benevolent? Did I do enough?
I’d like to think I have because when my babies sit down next to me to have a conversation about things that are happening in their lives and I listen to their words, I realize how familiar they sound and relief takes over me. I watch them come and go and as they leave, I whisper a prayer and as they arrive back home I whisper thank you. I know that no matter how hard I’ve tried, repeated, annoyed, held, yelled, laughed, cursed, shook my head, cried, I know they got it because I see it in their actions. I see it in the way they treat people, in the way they love animals and appreciate nature. I know because they are gentle in their ways and kind in their consideration. I know it stuck because I find myself overwhelmed in pride when I watch them in their own being and it is alluring.
So, if you, mothers and fathers, guardians and keepers question weather or not you did enough, you are not alone. We do the best we can and when we know better, we do better. Have faith my fellow peers for we are warriors!