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My mom had asked my oldest sister to have me come stay the night with her which I found interesting since I’d spent several nights with her. That’s how I knew this would be the last time.
I got stuck in traffic on my way to the hospital and all I could think was, “please God, please let her be alive when I get there”, which wasn’t a stranger to thought. Every morning for eleven years I would wake up and lay still to hear the sound of her at the kitchen sink or on the phone or anything, “please God, let her be alive.”
When I got to her room she was sitting up in bed. She looked okay and smiled when she seen me and said I’m sorry, I know you’re tired. ( imagine that, here she is laying in a hospital bed, body infested with cancer, wearing a pink babooshka on her small bald head and she’s apologizing because she knows I’m tired!) She even suggested I leave because she felt bad but I didn’t. I know she wanted me there. She asked for me and I wanted to be nowhere else in the world.
We talked a little but I can’t remember what she said. I hate that I don’t remember! What’s wrong with me? Wasn’t I paying attention? Her dinner came in and she tried to eat a little which gave me hope since her appetite had been very poor. But I knew better as I watched her sitting there with death hanging over her head. Hovering. Waiting.
She needed to use the bathroom so I helped her get up and get there. She sat on the toilet and leaned forward to rest her head against my belly and wrapped her arms around my waste. I remember staring down at her and wanting to pick her up like a baby and nestle her in my arms and against my chest and protect and comfort her. I wanted to save her.
When she was done she couldn’t wipe herself. She said I know you gross out but I can’t do it, can you please help me? And just like that, there went her dignity, right down the toilet with the rest of her shit, My mother asking me to wipe her ass! The strongest, bravest most beautiful woman I ever had the privilege to know and then she kissed my hands! My hands! Can you fucking believe it? As if I were worthy! I shouldn’t have just wiped her ass. I should’ve kissed it right along with the very ground she walked on my precious precious mama! I’m so sorry.
When I got her back to bed I layed next to her and we held each other and kissed each other. I’ll never forget her breath on my skin that night and the softness of her cheek. She was so fragile and frightened, trying to be brave but who wouldn’t be scared?
She became agitated and uncomfortable because her body hurt so I lay on the other bed so she could rest. I didn’t want to leave her side but I felt so sorry for her.
I fell asleep.
It seemed like forever when I woke up startled by the sound of the IV crashing to the floor but only fifteen minutes past. Still, it makes me sick that I fell asleep.
The suffering began…
mahani 